One Cut at a Time
by Rizzles-MerDer-Jaddison
Summary: Meredith is Self-Harming. What will Derek say?


Meredith sat in the corner of the bathroom floor, holding a small, metal razor blade. Her secret in danger of getting out. Just yesterday, Cristina grabbed the long-sleeved top that she wore under her light blue scrubs and it hurt her so much, but she couldn't let it show - and now Cristina thinks something is going on. 'That's great' she thought to herself. Her mind was messed up from the plane crash. Mark dying was just enough to bear, but Lexie, this she could not get over. Meredith blamed herself for her death, because if it had been her at the back of the plane instead of Lexie, then it would have been her to die, and not her... precious sister.  
>"Mer?" Derek's voice came from the other side of the door.<br>"Yeah" Meredith replied in a choked up - almost tearful - voice.  
>"Mer, you okay?"<br>"Yeah I'm fine. What were you saying?"  
>"Um - Zola's in the car, you ready to go?" Derek asked, convinced Meredith was hiding something from him. No running. Not ever. Is what they had written in their post-it note, in the dark oak frame on their bedroom wall, he hoped it was just a girl thing, maybe Cristina could help her deal with it.<br>"Yeah - go on ahead, I'll follow you out" She replied. He walked away down the hall and she hauled herself up of the white tiles, and dragged herself out the door to meet Derek and Zola.

When they arrived at Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, Dr. Hunt -Owen- took Zola down to the nursery and Meredith and Derek got the elevator upwards. There was an awkward silence as they tried to think of something other to say apart from what happened this morning. After what seemed like an eternity, the doors finally opened and they made their way to the locker room.

Meredith was working with Dr. Bailey again and Derek had one of Meredith's new interns. Dr. Bailey and Meredith had an appendectomy and a bowel resection, and that was it, for surgeries. They also had several post-op reports to write. Cristina soon arrived, and she had a cardio-vascular surgery and that was it. So quiet day. Whereas Ortho, Trauma and Plastics had a hectic day. Amputations from a case that came in this morning, tummy-tucks, nose jobs, broken bones... you name it. They had it. Peds had a quiet day too. 'A good day for the tiny humans' as Dr. Robbins -Arizona- would say.

By noon all of Meredith's and Cristina's surgeries had been performed. Now they were just handling post ops and the clinic. Derek ran into Cristina whilst she was on her way down to the clinic, and pulled her into the on-call room.  
>"The hell are you doing Derek?!" Cristina asked. It's not everyday your best friends husband pulls you into the a place many people like to... do non hospital like things in.<br>"Is Meredith alright? Have you noticed anything?" He dove straight in. Ignoring her question.  
>"Why are you asking me this?" She replied.<br>"You're her.. What is it... person? I think, have you noticed any bring strange going on? She's acting weird..."  
>"Slight mood changes I guess, nothing really stood out as being wrong though."<br>"Okay. Thanks. I'm off" and with that, Derek just slipped out the door and let like they'd never had that conversation.

On her way down to the clinic. Meredith's heart began to race, she didn't know why, and when it kept increasing, she began to panic, and hyperventilate. She felt dizzy, and moments after that she realised she was mid-panic attack. She quickly darted into the linen closet to her left, but not before Derek turned to corner and what he's his wife struggle to walk straight.

Meredith sat down against the metal structure which held the sheets in place, and began hyperventilating. She didn't know why. But she knew that they can't last at peak anxiety point for more than 10 minutes - and she had that time to spare. She was scared, her heart was racing inside her chest and she felt so dizzy. She heard the door open but could not bring herself to look at who it was. But soon enough, Derek say by her side. She looked her in the eyes.  
>"Mer, sshh" he whispered. She tried to speak but her breathing was too quick for her to be able to form any words. She began crying as well. She tried to speak.<br>"I ca- I - I can't - I can't - it's - it's too hard" she got out.  
>"sshh, just breathe. Nice, long deep breaths." Derek saw that this was not helping at all and stood up and found a paper bag and handed it to his wife. She held it round her mouth and began breathing into it. After a few minutes she calmed down. But not before grabbing Derek's hand.<br>"I feel so dizzy." She said eventually.  
>"That's because of the lack of oxygen to your brain, here, try this, pull you knees up and put your head on them." She slowly did as she was told.<br>"Further, as far as you can go" she pushed her head down a little bit further, and allowed her arms to relax a bit. They'd gotten all tense from her heart pushing too much glucose to her muscles.  
>"And now, breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth" he paused. "I know it all sounds like basic knowledge, but by breathing in through your nose, you get more oxygen to your brain, and by breathing out though your mouth, gets rid of all that built up carbon dioxide."<p>

They sat there for a few minutes. In a comfortable silence. Meredith with her head on her knees, and Derek slowly moving his hand up and down her back. When she felt a whole lot less dizzy, Meredith slowly sat up, and leant into Derek's shoulder, he put his arm around her shoulder.  
>"Mer, what's wrong?" Derek asked. Meredith thought about her answer.<br>"I just don't feel great today, you know."  
>"Yeah I do know, but having a full on panic attack usually means there's something else going on.."<br>"Derek, you know I love you, but just today, can I just have some time to think about me, sort my head out. We'll talk later, I promise okay?"  
>"Okay. You're okay."<br>"I'm okay"  
>"I love you." Derek said.<br>"I love you too" Meredith replied.

She got up off the floor and walked out and continued on her journey to the clinic. Leaving Derek to ponder what had just happened. Little did they both know - Dr. Webber -Richard- watched Meredith walk into the linen closet, Derek follow, and how worn out Meredith looked. He too had noticed the decline in Meredith's mood and how she always wore long sleeves. He made a promise to Ellis that he'd look after her little girl. So he began thinking of ways to talk about Meredith and her suspicious behaviour.


End file.
